The Bitter Gift

91LIVING ANEWCome, Holy Spirit, Transform our tension Into holy relaxation.I’ve  recently  been  to  a „survival  training”.  Until now, I wouldn’t have even crossed a fence or swung off a  carpet hanger, I had been too afraid of falling. What, then, pushed me towards overcoming so much harder obstacles? I don’t know. Maybe it was the urge to  prove  to  myself  that  I can  overcome  everything, not only my illness, but every other obstacle life may throw at me. I have,  therefore,  balanced  over  terrifying  ravines. I have  climbed  up  vertical  mountain  slopes  and  slid down from them on ropes. It was wonderful! My sou-venirs from this adventure are the photos which I look at often, especially in times when I  predict approach-ing times of doubt or weakness.One of these photos is an illustration of everything I would  like  to  show  you.  A friend  of  mine  took  it while I, full of life, was crossing an enormous ravine on a tight rope. Down below, a small church could be seen. At that moment I had hoped that my illness can be overcome like a gap between the mountains. And in 10my life, this little church has started to play an increas-ingly important role. At  some  stage,  after I  recovered  from  the  initial shock of understanding that I was an MS sufferer, I de-cided to use the rest of my life to the fullest. I have been doing just that. I live in a way that leaves me no time to ponder over my illness. One can even say I’ve become a workaholic,  understanding  it  as  a form  of  therapy which yields positive results. It is because of multiple sclerosis that I have discov-ered the inexhaustible layers of energy I possess. The more  I use,  the  more  God  would  provide  me  with. When  I let  myself  stay  in  bed,  my  condition  would worsen - I would push myself deeper into illness. In such times I would analyse every bout of numbness, every kind of pain, to weave dark visions which would then, unavoidably, become true. Since I’ve changed this attitude and started trying to live a relatively normal life, quietly accepting steroids and other medications as my allies, undergoing acupuncture treatments, I’ve been returning to health at an amazing pace. One of the symptoms of my MS is the worsening of my eyesight; therefore, at times when I cannot see too well and when the glasses don’t help much, I simply ask my assistant to read for me and I dictate the text for her. The problems connected with eyesight don’t bother me much, as I’m aware of their temporary nature. None of the bouts of the MS have left me with a  mark which others would notice. I think I owe that to my Vietnam-ese therapist, to myself and most of all - to God. The fear of needing to withdraw from the normal life is pushing me forward. I am more active than an average healthy woman and I do not succumb to my illness. People who don’t know me well think of me as the picture of health. I am sure I’ve chosen the right way  to  overcome  the  problem  which,  after  all,  lies within myself.